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Post by Valentina on Jun 9, 2006 16:46:33 GMT 1
A Polish man moved to the US and married an American girl.
Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well -- until one day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.
The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances and asked him the following questions:
Have you any grounds?
Yes, an acre & half and nice little home.
No, I mean what is the foundation of this case?
It's made of concrete.
I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge?
No, we have a carport.
I mean, what are your relations like?
All my relations are still in Poland.
Is there any infidelity in your marrige?
We have a high fidelity stereo and good DVD player.
Does your wife beat you up?
No, I always wake up before her.
Is your wife a nagger?
No, she is white.
Why do you want this divorce?
She's going to kill me.
What makes you think that?
I have proof.
What kind of proof?
She is going to poison me. She bought a bottle and put it on the shelf in the bathroom. I can read and it says: " Polish Remover".
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Post by Valentina on Jun 9, 2006 16:49:27 GMT 1
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The blonde cop asked to see the blonde driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
"What does it look like?" she finally asked. The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it." The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.
"Here it is," she said. The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "Okay, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop.
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Post by johannes on Jun 18, 2006 13:54:50 GMT 1
English tourist drinking a dark beer in a bavarian "Biergarten".
Bavarian drinking bavarian beer.
Tourist: "Your health!"
Bavarian: "Your Dunkls!"
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Post by johannes on Jun 18, 2006 13:59:57 GMT 1
"Bleese sör gän juh dell mih se wei duh se dauer?"
"Aim sorrieh, aim e strähnscher duh!"
....weiß nicht, ob mans geschrieben auch kapiert ...
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Post by Valentina on Jul 2, 2006 11:04:57 GMT 1
As a mother passed her daughter's closed bedroom door, she heard a
>>>strange
>>>buzzing noise coming from within. Opening the door, she observed
>>>her
>>>daughter giving herself a real workout with a vibrator.
>>>
>>>Shocked, she asked,"What in the world are you doing?" The daughter
>>>replied,
>>>"Mom, I'm thirty-five years old, unmarried, and this thing is
>>>about as close
>>>
>>>as I'll ever get to a husband. Please, go away and leave me
>>>alone."
>>>
>>>The next day, the girl's father heard the same buzz coming from
>>>the other
>>>side of the closed bedroom door. Upon entering the room, he
>>>observed his
>>>daughter making passionate love to her vibrator. When he
>>>questioned her as
>>>to what she was doing, the daughter said, "Dad, I'm thirty-five
>>>years old,
>>>unmarried, and this thing is about as close as I'll ever get to a
>>>husband!
>>>Please, go away and leave me alone."
>>>
>>>A couple days later, the wife came home from a shopping trip,
>>>placed the
>>>groceries on the kitchen counter, and heard that now familiar
>>>buzzing noise
>>>coming from, of all places, the family room. She cautiously
>>>entered that
>>>area and observed her husband sitting on the couch, staring at the
>>>TV with
>>>the vibrator next to him buzzing like crazy.
>>>
>>>The wife shrieked, "What the hell are you doing?" The husband
>>>replied, "I'm
>>>watching the ball game with my son-in-law."
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Post by Valentina on Jul 2, 2006 11:08:07 GMT 1
MY PHILOSOPHY OF HOUSECLEANING!
I don't do windows because ...
I love birds
and don't want one to run into a clean window
and get hurt.
I don't wax floors because ...
I am terrified a guest
will slip and get hurt
then I'll feel terrible!
I don't mind the dust bunnies because ...
They are very good company,
I have named most of them,
and they agree with everything I say.
I don't disturb cobwebs because ...
I want every creature
to have a home of their own.
I don't Spring Clean because ...
I love all the seasons
and don't want the others
to get jealous.
I don't pull weeds
in the garden because ..
I don't want to get
in God's way,
HE is an excellent designer!
I don't put things away because ...
My husband
will never be able
to find them again.
I don't do gourmet meals
when I entertain
because
I don't want my guests
to stress out over what
to make when
they invite me
over for dinner.
I don't iron because ...
I choose to believe them
when they say "Permanent Press".
I don't stress much on anything because...
"A Type" personalities
die young
and I want to stick around
and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' woman!!!!
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